Back To The Start
by Lynnlee22
Summary: A reworked retelling of Y&R from early 2016
1. Chapter 1

He sighed as he stared down into the glass, the once perfectly formed blocks of ice now ruining a perfectly good scotch. "Shoulda gone with neat," he grumbled as he gestured to the bartender to take it away.

"I know that face," the man said as he ran the bar towel over the mahogany wood. "Waiting on a woman?"

"I guess you do see it a lot, huh?" He tried to smile at his predicament, but it was happening all too often lately. Everyone was chomping at the bit to tell him how kismet he and Victoria were, how they were destined to be together, how nothing would be right in his world until he was with the right woman. Victoria was his family. He'd heard the words over and over again from his mother. And yet, where was she now? If he were a betting man …

He stopped. He wasn't a betting man. Not anymore. The sound of the door opening drew his attention and he readied himself to hear the onslaught of reasons that always seemed to accompany her late arrival. Only this time, it wasn't her at all.

* * *

"I've got it, Jack." She reached for the handle of the rolling luggage. "You didn't need to bring me here. I could have taken a car or driven myself. I really think it would have been easier if …"

"I want you to know that I support you, that I'm going to support whatever it is that you think you need right now and if it's this then …" He couldn't say the words, couldn't stand to actually articulate the fact that he was somehow facilitating their separation. There were voices inside his head that fought for control. One demanded he respect her wishes, trust her knowledge of what she needs, and support her choices – whatever they were. The other voice, the louder voice, the more frantic one, called him a fool, chastising him for letting her go, for condoning this, for doing anything that made it easier for them to be apart again.

"Jack," she said softly. It was easy to see the torment on his face. She didn't want to hurt him. She had enough pain to serve them both and then some, but she didn't know what else to do. She didn't know how else to stop the thoughts, the dreams, the sounds. She needed time or space, or something – something she hoped she'd find in the silence and solitude. "I just need this now."

"Okay." He drew in a deep breath and looked at her for a moment. "I can't pretend that I'm okay with this. This isn't what I want and I need you to know that, but I love you enough to do what you need and if this is it then …"

"Thank you." The words felt odd as they slipped past her lips. What exactly was she thanking him for? Hadn't she been powerless enough? Did she now need his permission to take a moment and try to salvage what was left of her sanity?

"You don't have to thank me," he said as if somehow reading the thoughts that crawled through her consciousness. "Here, I'll help you get settled."

"No." The word came out more quickly than she intended and she felt her body tense as he tried to reach for the handle again. "I need to do this myself."

"Okay, but the least I can do is help you get unpacked and make sure that you have everything you need." Her eyes grew narrow as she stared back at him. The stubborn streak he appreciated in so many ways was drifting to the surface. "Come on, Red. At least let me do this. It's hard enough for me to walk away and …"

"I said no, Jack. I told you what I needed and if you really want to help me. If you really want to support me, you'll respect the fact that what I need most from you is for you to go … now." She could hear her voice as it echoed throughout the still foyer. In any other moment, she would have felt a twinge of guilt for the shimmer of tears that glossed over his pale blue eyes, but today she felt some strange sense of vindication. It was bad enough that he truly believed they could move on, put this behind them, live their lives in the moment, not give that man another second of their precious time. If he could ever feel even a sliver of the powerlessness she'd felt, they would be a hell of a lot closer to that resolution.

"That's really what you want?" His voice shook a bit as he stared into her eyes. "You need me to leave … like this?"

She could feel her resolve tremble as the pain in his eyes got more real. "No," she breathed. "I will."

He opened his mouth to speak, but there were no words to say. There was nothing he could do except watch her walk away.

* * *

"Jack?"

He squeezed his eyes tight together at the sound of his brother's voice behind him.

"Look Billy, now is really not …"

"I know. Look I … I wasn't trying to … I wasn't trying to listen in on your conversation or anything, but it was kind of … Phyllis was …"

He nodded. "She's just a little upset."

"I could tell." Billy glanced towards the staircase. "Is she gonna be staying here?"

Jack clenched his jaw. "It's a temporary situation."

"She had luggage, Jack. It didn't seem so tempo …"

"Marriage isn't always perfect, Billy," he snapped. "Surely I don't have to be the one to tell you that." The look on his brother's face made him instantly regret his words and he took a step back as he composed himself. "I'm sorry," he said quickly. "That's not meant for you. I'm just …" He ran his hands over his face. "I'm … I don't know what I am." He let his eyes drift over to the bar for a moment, his gaze settling on a drink the bartender poured for a businessman that sat on the stool at the end. What he wouldn't give to be able to take the edge off. He had to find another way, a better way, to channel his anger. His mind seemed to hone in on the one singular thing that deserved the venom. "I've got to go," he said sharply. "I'll see you later."

"Jack. Jack, wait." Billy called out into the night as he watched his brother rush towards the parking structure.


	2. Chapter 2

She stopped and gripped the folded sweater in her hands as she heard the sound. Surely, if she didn't respond, he'd go away. He'd think better of his choice and simply leave – as she'd asked him to. The second knock seemed to propel her towards the door. All the rage that had been building up inside her now had the smallest chance for release and she let her arm jerk the door open as hard as she could.

"You can't pretend that you're respecting my wishes if …" Her throat seemed to close as her eyes focused on the face in front of her. "Billy," she breathed as she loosened her death grip on the doorknob. "Sorry. I thought you were someone else." She let her breath out slowly as her insides worked to transition from rage to anything else. "What are you doing here?" she finally managed.

"I could ask you the same question."

"I don't know why you would. It's a hotel. People come here all the time, don't they?"

"Phyllis." He sighed. She wasn't planning to make this easy. Of course, when did Phyllis make anything easy? "Can I come in for a minute?"

"You know Billy it really isn't a …" She stopped. The look on his face was one she recognized. In many ways, she saw elements of herself in him. Jack could never understand Billy's decisions – his tendency to be reckless, his need for excitement. She understood. She knew what the thrill of the unknown felt like. She knew what it meant to take chances, to walk on the edge, to crave that rush. He called it addictive behavior. She called it living. Or at least she used to … before everything got tainted. Before she had to start questioning everything she thought and everything she felt.

"Phyllis." She was standing in front of him, but clearly somewhere else entirely. "I asked if I could come in and …"

"Maybe another time Billy. It's just that I'm trying to …"

"Unpack?" Her face instantly changed. "Look, I wasn't trying to listen in or anything, but the two of you were talking in the middle of the entryway and well, you weren't exactly whispering."

She dropped her head and sighed before pulling the door open wider and gesturing for him to step in. "What did you hear?"

"Not everything, but enough to gather that you and Jack are …" He shrugged.

"It's just a … We're just taking a little break. That's all. It's temporary. I just need …"

"That's exactly what he said."

"You talked to Jack?"

"Yeah, I did. I mean it was obvious that he was upset and I was just trying to see if there was anything I could do to help and …"

"Well there's not, okay. Thank you for trying, but there's not anything you can do."

"I'm a good listener … at least that's what they tell me."

She reached for the sweater she'd thrown on the foot of the bed and folded it again. "Trust me, this isn't something you want to hear and honestly, it isn't something I want to talk about, so if you don't mind …" She let her head nod towards the door and hoped he'd get the message.

"I've been there you know." He took a step closer, trying to gauge her reaction.

"Billy." She could feel the burn inside her, the raging hatred that had been building since Jack had told her the truth. She clenched her teeth and bit down hard on her cheek until she tasted the blood. The physical pain was a welcome distraction from the constant battle to keep it together. "I really can't do this right now, okay?"

"I get it. I know it feels like this is the answer, but running away from the problem doesn't make it go away. The problems are still here. They'll follow you. They always do. You and Jack just need to talk. Just sit down and talk things through. You two have been through way too much to let whatever this is break you."

"I don't want to talk to Jack right now, okay? I can't …" She fought to find some way to make it make sense.

"Well then talk to me. Tell me what's going on? I'm sure with my trainwreck of a life I've had worse."

She whirled around to look at him, her eyes now shimmering with tears. "You think you've had worse?" Her hands trembled as she let the sweater, once again unfolded, fall back onto the bed. "You really think that?"

"I'm sure of it. I mean, look at my life. Look at all the messes I've made. Just tell me what's going on. Maybe I can help."

"You can't." The words were mere whispers, desperate sighs of relent. "No one can. No one can fix this. No one can know."

It was her tone that struck him, the almost hopeless sound in it. Phyllis was always so fueled – be it by anger or desire or sheer will, but this … He stepped closer still and reached out to touch her arm. "Hey, whatever's going on, I'm sure it's not all that bad. Sometimes we make things a lot worse than they really are when we run them over and over in our heads. You can tell me. It's …"

"Please just go." Her voice nearly broke as she stared at him and she felt certain she saw him swallow hard at the sudden show of her emotion. "If you really want to help me, Billy. I'm asking you to go."

He nodded. "Okay, if that's really what you want, I'll go, but if you change your mind, just …"

"I won't." The strong, stubborn tone returned almost in an instant. "I'll be fine. I have to handle this on my own." She held her breath as she watched him pass her. It wasn't until she heard the door close behind her that she finally let the tears run down her face.


	3. Chapter 3

"I thought I made it clear that I did not want to be- " Victor stopped as he looked up at the unwelcome visitor. "Who the hell let you in here?"

"Your assistant told me that you weren't available, but I didn't exactly give her any choice." Jack closed the door behind him and moved to stand directly in front of the stately desk.

"Apparently I need to give more detailed instructions. She can simply call the police next time an intruder refuses to …"

"An intruder? You know all about those don't you? You know all about sending people into places where they don't belong, letting them live there, letting them lie to people, letting them manipulate people, letting them …" He could hear the sound of his blood pumping through his veins as the loud whoosh echoed through his ears. His fists clenched hard against his sides as he stared at the smug face of the man in front of him.

"Jack, I thought we'd settled this. For a man that professes to be so grateful to be home, you're certainly wasting a lot of time here talking to me."

"Damn you. Damn you and your self serving, egotistical, sick, twisted …"

"You should calm down, Jack." He stood from the leather chair and slowly walked around the desk. "Remember you've barely recovered from a heart attack. I'd hate to see something happen to you."

"How long would it take you to find another soulless jackass to come prey on my family's love? Or have you already got one lined up … just waiting?"

"I handled the situation. Marco is gone. He will rot for the rest of his life in a Peruvian jail cell. Your life is yours to live. Why don't you get out of my office and go live it?"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd like it if I just forgot the hell you put me through, if I just went back to the way things were, if I just pretended the last few months didn't happen." The anger only seemed to multiply as he watched the look of condescension grow on the elder Newman's face. "You have no idea how much I wish it was that simple."

"If you're making it more complicated than it needs to be, that's on you – not on me."

"The hell it is!" The absurdity of the statement made the smoldering rage ignite like fire. "I can't move past this. I can't just pretend things are fine when …"

"When what, Jack? You finding home to be a little less appealing than you thought? Absence make things look a little too perfect? Or is Phyllis finding the old you a little … old?"

He slammed his hand down hard on the desk and felt the sting of impact long after the sound had silenced. "You shut the hell up! You don't have any idea what you've done and you don't even give a damn. Phyllis can't get this out of her head. She can't forget what happened. She can barely even talk about it. I just had to take my wife to get a room at the Club so that she could try and find some way to even exist now and you're going to sit there and make snide comments like this is some kind of joke? What the hell is the matter with you?"

"This isn't a joke. I would never presume to say that it was. But Jack, perhaps your anger is a bit misdirected. Maybe what you're really angry about is the fact that your family didn't even notice that you'd been replaced or …"

He snarled as he fought to keep from lunging at him. "Or what?"

"Or maybe they did notice and just thought they'd gotten a hell of an upgrade."

"Jack! Jack, stop it!" It barely even registered that there were fragile hands pulling at his jacket, that a shaky, frantic voice was screaming his name. It wasn't until his eyes finally focused on Victoria's terrified face that he stopped and took a breath. His hands unclenched and the collar fell from his hands.

Victoria let out a sigh of relief and glanced between the two men. "What on earth is going on here?"

Victor cleared his throat and straightened his jacket in front before walking back behind his desk. "I think Jack should be the one to fill you. Jack, you care to share what has you so upset?"

God did he hate this. It was bad enough to lose to Victor in business, but in this, to have to live this hell and know that nothing could be done without implicating himself, without humiliating his wife, without damaging the fragile sense of normalcy he'd managed to piece back together. "I need to go," he managed.

"Jack?" Victoria's face betrayed her confusion. "What?"

"You don't need to know." He hurried from the room before the need for blood won out again.

Victoria turned to face her father. She shook her head as she saw him already at work on the papers in front of him. "What was all that about?"

"Sweetheart, you know Jack and I have always had our issues."

She scoffed. "Issues, yes, but they don't normally lead to one of you trying to strangle the other. That just seemed to be a little over the top … even for the two of you. And Jack, he's not prone to that kind of violence. I mean …"

"I think there are some things in Jack's life right now that are upsetting him and he's just looking for a scape goat." He pointed to himself and shrugged. "I guess I'm the perfect candidate."

"What does Jack have to be upset about? He just survived a building collapse, he's running his family company, he's happily married …"

Victor cleared his throat as he stood and walked slowly over to the bar cart.

"What?" Victoria turned to follow him. "Is something going on with Jack and Phyllis?"

"Apparently, Phyllis has asked for a little space and she's taken a room at the GCAC. I'm sure it's nothing serious, but Jack is …"

"Damn it!" Victoria hissed as she reached for her phone and rushed for the door. "I was supposed to meet Billy at the Club over an hour ago. He's going to kill me." She paused for only a second to kiss her father on the cheek. "I have to go. We'll talk about this later."

Victor nodded as she hurried from the room. He didn't need to waste time trying to ruin Jack's life. His life was imploding on its own.


End file.
